Addressing Anger

Recently I have been battling with some negativity in my life, particularly to do with a few specific people and their actions. This negativity was manifesting itself as anger, blurring my positive vision of the world and getting me worked up over things that I would normally class as little and insignificant. I let this anger infect my life. Just thinking about these people, or the latest "episode" of something annoying they had done and the anger would start again, even if I was at home spending time with my lovely wife. It was a terrible and unhealthy way to live and I had to do something about it. I had to address my anger.

What Value Does Anger Have In Your Life?

It's a simple question really. What value does anger have in your life? What is the overall gain of getting angry? What function does anger perform that is useful to your immediate survival and/or your long-term growth and development as a human being?

Hint: the correct answers are...none, none, and none. ;)

Do not fool yourself into thinking that anger plays an important role in your life.  Do not pretend that anger is a useful tool for expressing your emotions. Do not excuse your anger because it "makes you feel good to get angry". It doesn't work that way.

Anger is an uncontrolled outward manifestation of a negative internal state. It is the representation of all the negative emotions stored inside you. It is your disappointment, your fear, your procrastination, your high stress, your low self-esteem, your unpaid credit card bill, and your annoyance at your receding hairline. But that last one may just be me.

The point is that anger is not a valid or useful tool in our lives. It does not achieve anything positive. In fact, it makes things much worse by ignoring the real issues that are bothering us and instead just acts as a quick release valve - causing us to explode with anger when the pressure inside gets too much.

But, I hear you say, surely releasing that negative energy from inside us is a good thing? Technically yes, but not with anger. Releasing internal negative emotions through an outward negative action like anger just makes everything feel worse. Much worse.

For starters, allowing ourselves to get angry just as a form of release means that we are not addressing the real issues. We are not looking at why we feel that we need the negative release. We ignore the cause(s) of the negativity and jump straight to the outward release. If we never address the cause then the need to release will always be there making us reliant on the angry outburst just to make us feel even remotely happy.

This leads us to the second major problem with getting angry - not only have we ignored the actual negative causes in our lives but we also add more negativity into the mix by getting angry. We still have all the original issues to deal with and now we also have our anger and all the negative response that it generates. And anger always generates a negative response.

I used a quasi-metaphor previously saying that anger was like a quick release valve but in reality it is actually a two-way valve, releasing negativity in bursts, but also allowing negativity to flow inside. And guess what? That valve is set to let negativity in by default.

A sudden burst of anger can, and does, release some of the negative emotions from inside which is why people can misguidedly think it is good for them to do so. But when that burst has finished the valve switches back to its default direction and starts sucking negative energy inside. It becomes like a magnet for negative emotions, funneling them inside you until you feel ready to burst with anger again, resulting in a very vicious cycle.

Addressing Anger

The only benefit anger serves is that it is a tangible output of our internal negativity. It shows us quite clearly that something is not right in our lives. It is as if our mind is waving a big flag at us and yelling "Helloooooo...I am not happy!" Why would we ignore that?

Using anger as an indicator for change, rather than a primitive release mechanism, enables us to start tackling the real problems. It empowers us to take control of our lives and make the positive changes required to rid ourselves of anger forever.

The simplest way to do this, to successfully address and remove our anger, is to ask "why?"

In my recent situation I found that certain people, and their actions, were the triggers for my anger. These people were underhanded, deceitful fakers and they seemed to be always trying to make me look like a fool. For a while I let this get to me, building up the negativity inside me until my anger started bubbling out of me.

But then I asked myself two simple "why" questions and I changed my whole perspective:

1. Why would a person act in a such a negative and unkind way toward me?
2. Why am I letting such actions control my emotions?

With the answers to these questions came a complete 180 shift on the situation. I realised that these people were acting in this way because they were scared and/or intimidated by me. They saw me as a threat - a direct competitor who was going to steal their opportunities for success. The reality was that we were part of a team, working together towards the same goals, but obviously some people just aren't team players.

Managing to identify why these people had been acting this way was comforting, but I made the most progress when I asked the second question of myself: Why am I letting such actions control my emotions?

Answering this question took some deeper thinking but the result was worth it. I discovered that I was tying part of myself, and my identity, to being successful in this job. I had mistakenly made myself believe that my achievement and success as a person would be partly measured by achievement and success at the job. This is completely untrue but it is very easy to believe your identity is tied to a particular outcome and then get caught up in the emotions that occur when things don't go smoothly. Luckily I saw my anger as a warning.

Whilst I am constantly striving for more success, more achievement, and more personal growth in my life, deep down I believe that I am already a success.  I have already had some wonderful achievements in my life that I am proud of and I know that I have the skills, knowledge and power to keep improving myself, to keep challenging myself, and to keep achieving.

And that's all it took to address my anger and re-frame my thinking on the situation. Now, instead of feeling angry and an urge to compete with these negative people, I feel a little sorry for them. I now realise that they see the world as a zero-sum game and they believe that everyone else is competing directly with them. They are the kind of people that cry that life isn't fair and think that the only way to "win" is at the expense of others. This is a sad way to live.

The other positive I have taken from all this is that I have reminded myself of my true path in life. I am not defined by a job and I am not defined by the approval (or otherwise) from other people. I am defined by myself and what I do. I control my own destiny and no one else has the power to change that. For this reason I am happy for the challenges that have been presented recently and the resulting anger I felt, for it was this anger that has served as a reminder to me. A reminder to always be living for myself and doing what I love.

If you are experiencing anger in your life, stop and ask yourself "why?" What is causing your anger, what is your anger signaling to you, and what changes can you make that will address your anger?

Anger is a warning that you are not happy. Don't ignore it.

Image: Ian Kahn

How to View the Past, Future and Present

You can feel you heart beating faster, your palms sweating, and your breath shortening. No, you're not having a heart attack - you're just worrying. A drastic and life changing event has occurred and all you can do is replay it over and over in your head, each time falling into a deeper state of anxiety. You try to snap yourself out of it and think toward the future, but now your mind starts visualising countless versions of the future that have been negatively influenced by this one event. You're not worrying anymore - you're panicking. Your mind is jumping so quickly between replaying the event (somehow it seems worse each time) and fearing the future (which also somehow looks worse each time) that you're out of control. You literally have no control. You wander aimlessly, you miss your train stop, you bump into a stranger causing him to spill his coffee on you, and you step right into a puddle that you hope is just water. You're so focused on other things, on the other tenses in your life, that you do not pay attention to the present tense. You miss out on living because you are too worried about something else.

Apart from being annoyingly written in the second person did that story conjure up any emotions in you? Does it sound familiar? Perhaps a little too familiar? If so then you need to change how you view the past, future, and present tense in your life. The attitude of being attached to, and driven by, the past and the future is very detrimental. It causes stress, anxiety, and worry. In fact, this style of thinking is the cause of every negative emotion in your life.

Even if the above example was foreign to you, the chances are that you are still too focused on the past and the future, and not enough on living life to the fullest in the present.

The Past is for Learning, not Worrying

The biggest mistake people make when referring to the past is that they do so from a position of negativity - worrying and stressing over actions and events that cannot be changed. No matter what your past holds the simple fact is that you cannot do anything about it. You cannot edit out the bits you do not like or add in something new that you wish you had done, just like you cannot go back and change the historical events that have shaped humankind.

Revisiting the past over and over again is a form of masochism. It is basic self torture and it provides absolutely no benefit to your life.

When we look toward the past we see it through the lens of our current situation. We see it and judge it based on our current level of knowledge which is not fair to the past. The past occurred in a different time, a time when we thought differently, had less experiences, and had less knowledge. To take a major decision from our past and hold it up for analysis against our current thinking is saying that every time we make a decision we should first look into the future and see what the outcome will be of that decision and how we will judge it in the future beyond that.

I think it's safe for me to assume that no-one reading this article has the ability to look into the future. I'm happy to be proved wrong though. :)

So when looking at the past, we need a paradigm shift. We need to view it differently. The past is not meant to be judged, ridiculed, or regretted. It is not meant to be dwelt on, replaying events over in our mind and drudging up associated negative emotions. The past is simply not meant for worrying - it is meant for learning.

The past is only useful when we can learn something from it.

We can look back at past events -  the electric car, the moon landing, or the time you cut your hair into a Mohawk and dyed it green - and we can learn from them. Maybe these were great ideas, or maybe not. Either way, we cannot change them but we can learn from them. The next time someone dares you to get a crazy haircut you can weigh it up using the lessons learned from your past experiences. That is what the past is for.

If you got up every day regretting that silly green Mohawk then you are not learning from it – you are torturing yourself for no reason. Once you have learned the lesson then there is no other benefit that looking to the past can provide and it is time to move on.

The green Mohawk is an obviously silly example but I did it that way to illustrate a point: we cannot change anything in our past, no matter how small and inconsequential, like a silly haircut. But we also cannot change it no matter how large and life-altering the event was. All we can do is learn from it and use that knowledge to grow and shape our lives for the future.

The Future is for Planning, not Worrying

Onto the next biggest focal point for worry and stress in our lives - the future.

The future, by its very nature, is unknown. It is the future. It is magical, it is forever changing, and it is uncontrollable. No matter how much you think (and worry) about the future the simple fact of the matter is that you cannot control it and it will probably not turn out the way you think. In fact, I guarantee that it wont. And the bigger the future event that you are worrying about is, and the longer into the future that it is, the less likely that it will turn out even remotely like you expected.

The future we worry about is just a state of imagination that exists in our mind. The real future is just the result of all the individual actions that occur from now up until that moment, at which point it stops being the future and becomes the present for one brief second until it passes and then it is just another part of our past.

We cannot predict what happens tomorrow, next week, or next month. Worrying about these future tenses of our life is pointless because it is guaranteed that things will change between now and then. If you were asked "where you will be and what will you be doing in 5 years?" do you really think that you would get it 100% correct? Do you really think that in 5 years time everything would have occurred exactly as you intended?

The future is not for worrying, but for planning. And only loose planning at that.

Your life will never happen as you plan it and that is great news because what a boring life that would be. A life where everything happens exactly as planned is an unhappy life. The reason for this is that you NEVER have the knowledge, skills, or experience to plan exactly what you want for the rest of your life. What you think you will want in 10, 20, or 30 years will be very different to what you actually want when you get there.

Planning for the future is just a means of preparation. A plan is not an exact execution but rather simple preparedness for a predefined list of possibilities.

Setting goals is the best method of planning for the future. Our goals are used as guiding principles in our lives and they shape our actions. By considering all the options and setting our goals we define the direction in which we want to travel, and we can use this knowledge to guide all of our decisions and actions in the present.

The Present is for Living, not Worrying

The present tense - the moment in which we have the most control, the moment in which we can define our life, and the moment that we waste worrying about every other part of our life.

Worrying is wasteful, especially when done in the present. Each moment you spend worrying and stressing in the present is preventing you from living your life. You miss out on actually experiencing and enjoying life, and instead spend it filled with negative emotions.

In the present you still only have control over your own actions, thoughts and decisions. Everything else is outside your control and is superfluous to you living a happy and enjoyable life. If you cannot change it then why worry about it? Instead of taking a negative viewpoint and worrying about the present, focus your mind on what is in your control. Focus on living.

Living means being in the moment, paying close attention to what is happening all around you but more importantly what is happening inside you. Listen to that internal voice that tells you what to do, acknowledge your feelings and what causes them, and observe how you respond to all external stimuli.

Doing this brings your mind into the present. It focuses your attention on what is occurring around you right now and how it affects you. Being cognisant of this creates an amazing sense of self awareness and control in your life. It allows you to dictate the terms that shape your life and experience a truly happy and fulfilled life.

By creating this positive energy and laser-like focus on the present you can achieve much more in your life. You can make conscious decisions that use your past experiences and future plans as motivators, but always stay focused on the present moment. This is one of the key secrets to being happy in life.

How do you view the past, future, and present?

Images: graur razvan ionut

Attitude is Everything

He has the energy of 20 year old and the looks of a 40 year old, but is actually 60. Everywhere he goes people are won over with his down-to-earth charm, no-fuss style, and the sheer exuberance with which he tackles life. Everyone likes him. No, everyone loves him. In his earlier years he surfed and rode motocross bikes for a living before transitioning into a business career where he quickly established himself as a leader – running his own software company and eventually becoming CIO for a local mining company.

His personal life has the same successful theme - happily married for nearly 30 years with two adult children who, from all accounts, are top of their class both mentally and physically.

It’s fair to say that this man has had a very successful life. It's a life that many people dream of, and strive for, and he has a pretty simple motto which has underpinned everything he has ever done:

"Attitude is everything."

Attitude is Everything

This form of thinking says that our attitude is a critical component of our lives – our attitude dictates and controls our lives, influencing how we see and interact with the surrounding world.

When we have a good attitude, our lives are filled with happiness. Good things happen to good people, and great things happen to good people with great attitudes. Similarly, bad attitudes attract bad outcomes. Negative thoughts manifest themselves as negative actions which cause negative results. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

By making a conscious decision about our everyday attitude we can define the happiness in our lives. We can define the quality of the life we live just by choosing to have a better attitude. Happiness occurs by choice not by accident.

Attitude for Friends

Friends are an important part of our lives. They listen to us, support us, and encourage us. At least that’s what they should do.

The quality of friends we have in our lives is a direct result of our attitude. That is, we attract certain types of people to be friends with based on our attitude. If we have a positive attitude then we attract positive friends. Likewise, a negative attitude attracts negative friends.

For example, previously in my life when I had a negative outlook and a low self esteem, I found it very hard to connect with people and establish good friendships. Fast forward a few years, and armed with my extremely happy and positive attitude toward life, I now have an amazingly close group of fantastic friends. They are all great people with wonderful attitudes and I love spending time with them.

In friendship, attitude is everything.

Attitude for Love

Just like finding friends, finding love is heavily influenced by our attitude. A positive attitude will foster relationships built on happiness, fun, passion, and love but a negative attitude will create relationships filled with mistrust, anger, resentment, jealousy, and depression. Or no relationships at all.

Before I met Sophie I had endured some bad relationships. I had been cheated on, manipulated, and taken for granted. Don't get me wrong, these relationships also had some great times but overall I'd say my experiences in the world of love were quite negative. But then I changed my attitude. I decided to love myself instead of hating myself for these relationships and my whole world shifted. I started believing that I deserved a great relationship with a beautiful, intelligent, and funny woman and...well it's pretty obvious how that turned out. ;)

In love, attitude is everything.

Attitude for Work

If ever there was a place in our lives that needs an attitude boost it is at our work. Most people I've met do not enjoy their job. They are not following their passion but merely working a boring job just to pay the bills and get by in life. Instead of turning up to work with a smile and a positive attitude, these people turn up armed with a sarcastic tone, angry scowl, and a negative attitude.

The result is that work becomes a festering hole of negativity. Just thinking of the building itself conjures up strong feelings of hate and despair, and don't even start on the people you have to work with...this is definitely the wrong attitude for work.

Early in my working life I was in one of these jobs and I hated it! The work was boring (and massively under utilising me), the people were mostly incompetent and negative, and I had a daily struggle to hold back my urge to slap people around me. But then I changed my attitude. I accepted that the job was a shitty one but instead of hating it I focused on the skills I had gained, looking toward the future and what sort of work I wanted to do. I set some goals, crafted my CV, and got myself out of there. Now, less than two years later I've doubled my salary, tripled my experience, met some wonderful people, and have a pretty good job that I enjoy (and actually working for the guy from the intro).

In work, attitude is everything.

I could go on but the point has been made. In life, attitude really is everything. It shapes who we are, who we meet, and what we do in our lives. It can hold you back and prevent you from being successful or it can give you wings and open up your life to endless possibilities. The choice is yours.

Practice Selflessness

Having been involved in planning a wedding for the better part of the last year I have seen many emotional, and sometimes dramatic, scenes involving the interaction of different people. Most of these have provided great food for thought and have given me an insight into the psychology of people and how they interact with others. One thing I noticed throughout this time is that most people don't know how to be selfless. People like to think they are (or at least that they can be) selfless but in reality this is far from true. I am not being overly critical here but just realising that being selfless, and putting others ahead of yourself is actually a very hard thing to do.

We are all individual beings and deep down we all are trying to do what is best for ourselves. In an evolutionary/survival frame of mind this makes a lot of sense but in our modern society where we exist as part of a large community group, and do not have direct competition for resources to survive, we need to be able to think about others. We need to practice selflessness.

I say practice because the skill of selflessness does not come naturally. Most people find selfishness much easier than selflessness. It's natural. But that doesn't mean it's always the best choice.

Selflessness

Most dictionaries will define selflessness something along the lines of:

The act of sacrificing personal interest for the good of others

Which basically means that you put other people's interest ahead of your own. That's a pretty neat idea in theory but not so easy to apply contextually. Being selfless is a very easy thing to say you do, but a very hard thing to actually do because it requires that you master yourself first.

Selflessness is About Mastering Yourself

Proper selflessness involves a great deal of self awareness, self control, and self confidence:

• If you are not aware of your internal drivers and why you act the way you do then you will not achieve selflessness
• If you are not in control of your own thoughts, actions, and words then you will not achieve selflessness
• If you are not confident and happy with the person you are then you will not achieve selflessness.

To achieve selflessness you need to master yourself first. Sometimes the immediate happiness of someone else is more important than your own needs, sometimes you are not the most important person in the room, and sometimes people don't care about you or your opinion. Because some moments in life just require you to be there and be happy for others. Life isn't always just about you.

Why You Should Practice Selflessness

There are many good reasons for why you should practice selflessness in your daily life. The most obvious is what some people like to call karma, which is just another way of saying that like attracts like.

Selflessness is a good deed and good deeds are always returned in kind. When you sacrifice yourself others will notice. They will see your actions as loving, caring, and considerate and they will strive to return the favour. When you are having a bad day or struggling through a difficult moment in life these people will be there to help you because they know you would do the same for them. In fact they've already seen you do it and they will make sure you are never left to fight on your own.

But getting this good "return on your investment" is not the best thing about being selfless. The best possible outcome of selflessness is the one you feel inside yourself. There have been countless scientific studies and papers that focus on the internal effects of helping others. Every time this research concludes with the same result - we feel happier, more excited, and enjoy life more when we help others.

If that isn't enough to convince you then maybe this quote from Tony Robbins will be the icing on the cake:

Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life's deepest joy: true fulfillment.

It's time to start being selfless. Today!

Are You Making Things Harder Than They Really Are?

You wake up to the incessant buzzing of your alarm clock which is set all too early for a Friday. Peeking outside you notice how beautiful the day is already looking - the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and there is not a cloud in sight. And you're miserable. You've got a million things to do at work (hence the early morning alarm) and they are all due today. You can feel the stress building inside you already and you're not even out of bed yet! It's going to be a tough day…

If this sounds all too familiar then I am willing to bet that you often feel like you have too much to do and not enough time to do it in, and I am also willing to bet that you are wrong. You have plenty of time but you are just making things harder than they really are.

Making Things Harder Than They Are

This is something us humans love to do. We love to make things harder than they actually are, for any number of pseudo-psychological reasons, and it can be a very difficulty habit to break out of.

It is hard to break because the symptoms are not always obvious.There are dozens of little actions that we do every day that purposefully make our lives more difficult and often they are so small, or so ingrained in us, that we don't even notice them.

Of course this means that we just assume things are hard and we have to deal with it, when the reality is much different. The reality is that things are generally simple and we choose to make them harder.

It is not always obvious that we are doing this. Like many things, being at the centre of the problem actually makes it harder to identify it.

When we are slap-bang in the middle of a stressful and difficult time our mind is focused on finding solutions to the problems, not on questioning why the problems exist. But that is exactly what I am encouraging you to do.

Why We Make Things Harder

Whenever you are faced with a difficult situation that is causing you stress, stop and ask yourself if you contributed to it. Did you somehow make this situation harder? If you want to play the victim and pretend that all this bad stuff just happens to you then stop reading now. You wont be willing to change anyway.

We all make things harder for ourselves at different times in our life, and some people more-so than others. But why do we do it at all? Why would we purposefully choose to make something harder than it needs to be?

Making Excuses

The most obvious reason is that it gives us an out. It provides us with an excuse for mistakes, or sub-par performances, and allows us to exaggerate any successes. We create a fictitious win-win situation where we feel excused if we do bad and feel praised when we do well. But this is bullshit.

When we make things harder we only make it harder within our own frame of reference meaning that, for most of the time, other people do not see the added difficulty we create. They see the problem in the original, simplified manner which means they wont be likely to accept the excuse or find you deserving of praise.

How many times have you had a task sit in your inbox, or on your to-do list, for weeks only for you to get stuck into it in the last few days before the deadline? You end up going a little crazy as you try to cram weeks of work into a few days and somehow you manage to get it all done and you feel like you've worked your butt off to do it. You may have too, but in the eyes of your boss, or your client, or whoever was waiting for that task, all you have done is finish the task in the allotted time. Nothing special there. But if you had missed that deadline they would have been very unhappy. You had weeks to do it and you still couldn't manage!

Making things difficult to have an excuse doesn't help anyone and is just plain wrong.

Thriving on Drama

The next biggest reason why we make things harder for ourselves is that we naturally thrive on the drama. When we are immersed into a stressful situation our body produces chemicals and hormones that amp us up to perform at abnormal levels.

This is known as our fight-or-flight mechanism and in previous centuries it was very useful. It was built into our bodies to enable us to be ready to take instant action whenever we were in mortal peril. But our modern lifestyle rarely has a need for this mechanism so we create excess stress in our life as a cheat. A cheat which is not doing anyone any favours.

The energy we generate in fight-or-flight mode is designed for very short bursts. It is literally used to escape danger by fighting it or fleeing from it. These are not long-term activities.

When we use this as our main source of energy just to "get things done" we force our body to run on this intense energy for periods much longer than it expects to. Our body is not designed to do this and the result is any number of negative consequences - physical and mental burn-out, tiredness, inability to focus afterwards, headaches, and so on.

Picture a time that you worked under an immense stress (legitimate or manufactured) for longer than a few days. Do you remember how you felt afterwards? Most people cannot keep it up for long before they crash, and the bad news is that the longer you over-use this fight-or-flight mechanism the bigger the crash will be.

Avoidance

Avoidance is the next most obvious reason we subconsciously make things harder than they need to be and this ties in closely to making excuses. If we make things so hard and complex that we are constantly busy then we can feel a little bit better that we didn't get those crappy tasks done.

It's the perfect excuse for not cutting the grass, not calling the phone company, and not joining that nudist colony.

In reality it is not an excuse at all. It's just poor time management.

The worst form of avoidance though is not the small and boring tasks but the big and important ones. Being "too busy" has become the excuse of choice for those not willing to take a chance and pursue their dreams. These people manufacture a life where they are constantly busy, working hard, and feeling stressed, so they have the perfect excuse for not achieving their dreams. This stems from a fear of failure and a fear of success and neither are valid things to fear.

Avoidance is never the right option.

Making Your Life Easier Instead

The key to changing this behaviour is to become more aware of your actions, your motives, and your choices. Start by analysing your actions to identify when you are subconsciously making your life harder than it needs to be. Once you recognise that you are doing it you can start to change it.

Making the change comes from attacking the root cause of the problem. Think about why you are creating more difficulty than is required. Are you making excuses or avoiding something? Do you just love the pressure of an impending deadline? Or is there some other hidden reason?

Once you figure out the reason behind your actions you can begin to implement changes - use a daily to-do list to stop you from procrastinating, halve all your deadlines so you don't have time to waste, or run away and join the circus.

The choice is yours but don't waste your life pretending to busy.

Image: Michal Marcol

Life is Not Fair (Great News!)

"Life is not fair!" This is a phrase commonly used by pessimists, the eternally negative, and the people who actually gain pleasure from thinking that the world is against them. And it's 100% true. Life really is not fair but guess what? That is great news!

Life Really Is Not Fair

If life was "fair" then everyone would have the exact same life. We would all work the same job, get paid the same amount, live in the same size house, drive the same car, and have the exact same chance at having fun. Zero.

Life is not designed to be fair for all and quite frankly it would suck if it was. If life was fair then what incentive would there be to try new things? Would you be motivated to start your own business and/or work 60 hours a week if you knew you were going to get the exact same reward as the guy who plays guitar and surfs all day? Hell no! (Not to mention the fact that if you were working 60 hours and some guy is not then that breaks the whole "fairness" rule anyway…)

In a world where everything was fair then education, skills, attitude, and experience would count for nothing because everyone would be rewarded the same. In fact society as we know it would cease to exist. No one would want to work in those high-stress jobs, no-one would be motivated to achieve more than the average, and science and technology advances would stop (or at least drop off significantly). Things are not meant to be fair and it is technically impossible anyway so its best if you start accepting that life is not fair. Besides that is actually a good thing.

When people cry about life not being fair they are doing so because on a deeper level they enjoy living with a "me vs the rest of the world" attitude. They like complaining about their situation and making it out like they have no control because it makes them feel like their life has been defined by some higher power. A higher power that they can blame, and people love being able to blame someone else.

But life is not like that. Life definitely is NOT fair but it is also not a zero-sum game. It is not a competition. When someone has some success in their life there is not an exact counter-balance of negativity for someone else. For you to make $1000 today, someone else does not have to first lose $1000. That is not how the world works. Your life, and its "fairness", is the sum of all YOUR actions and is not dependent on anyone else.

Find Success in Unfairness

Everyone can achieve success and happiness but only those that realise it is up them (and not pre-determined by god, fate, or any other belief system) will actually do it. These people are the ones that understand that, because life is not fair, they can stack the odds in their favour.

When you understand the positive implications of life being unfair you start to see the world in a new light. Instead of complaining about your situation, or comparing your lot in life to that of others, your mind begins to focus on creating scenarios that are in your favour. New opportunities are presented, ideas are developed, and the possibilities become almost endless.

So, next time you hear someone mutter those wonderful words - "life is not fair" - you should smile and remind yourself that it is completely and utterly true, but that it just means that you can rig life so that it is always working in your favour.

Life is not fair and that is great news!

Image: www.frkncngz.com

Your Attitude is Your Dimmer Switch

You know those cool lights where you can turn a dial to control the intensity of the light? Well that is exactly how your mental mindset controls your life. Your attitude is the dimmer switch for your life.

The Negative Attitude ("Who turned out the lights?")

A negative attitude is the equivalent of turning your dimmer switch down. The more negative the attitude, the less light in your life. And what happens when you try to walk around with no lights on? You stumble around blindly trying to feel your way, bumping into coffee tables and doorways, and stepping in poo (naughty dog!).

Darkness is also scary. Everyday objects like trees cast strange shadows and everything just looks a little creepier at night in the darkness. Not to mention that when you cannot see details your brain likes to fill in the gaps using imagination. And a negative mindset means a negative imagination. The result? Animals look scarier, people look dangerous, and strange shapes look like crazy monsters ready to attack. Or is that just me?

I remember a good example of this happening to me when I was 10. I was reading a horror story just before bed. I'm pretty good at separating reality and fiction so I generally do not get scared by books and movies. This particular story involved a headless woman who was seen standing in a yard waving her arms and tapping on the window try to get her head back. Not very scary. I finished the story and turned off the lights to go to bed. Suddenly it was a lot scarier.

The moon was casting a shadow on my wall which looked remarkably like the head of a woman (complete with frizzy hair hanging down) hanging from the roof, and there were some crazy limb-shaped objects waving around outside and tapping on the wall. Not only was the headless woman story true but she was right outside my window!

Maybe not, but when things are dark rationality goes out the window and fear takes over using our imagination to fabricate a negative outcome. This is exactly what we do to our lives when we maintain a negative mindset.

Update 5/5/11: If you find that your life is full of negative emotions try reading my article on How To Harness Your Negative Emotions To Make Positive Changes

The Positive Attitude ("Geez it's bright in here")

The positive attitude is the polar opposite. It is like cranking your dimmer switch all the way up as far as you can and yelling "Let there be light!" Ok you don't have to go crazy like that but what happens when you have lots of light? Well you certainly don't go stumbling around, stepping in poo because now you can see everything. And it's definitely not as scary.

When I was lying in bed as that scared little 10 year old I knew that logically there was not going to be a headless woman hanging around my window (surely she would have better things to do) but the irrationality caused by the darkness was much stronger. So I grabbed a torch and crept outside to investigate. Turns out the hanging head was just a hanging fern (that explains the frizzy "hair") and those waving limbs were just trees. Phew. Back to bed.

If I had not shone a light onto my fear to expose it for what it really was (and not just what I imagined it to be) then I would have spent the entire night curled up in bed, utterly terrified. I mean a headless woman tapping on the window is obviously after some revenge and not just a friendly chat right? But I suppose that's not really the point.

The point is that a positive attitude is the metaphorical torch in our lives. The more positive we are, the brighter our life will be. Alleys wont be as scary, people will be friendlier, storm clouds will be lighter, and those strange shapes will be…well, less strange. The outcome of all this? A more energetic life with less fear and more happiness. Sounds good doesn't it?

Where have you set your dimmer switch?

An Opinion is Never Wrong

I just had a wonderful long talk with my mum about all sorts of things (new businesses, innovation, paleo dieting, health, and relationships just to name a few) and towards the end she said something quite profound which resonated deeply with me: "An opinion is never wrong."

I could not have said it better myself.

What is an Opinion?

An opinion is just a belief, idea, or judgment a person has for a particular topic. They may have formed this through extensive experimentation, life experiences, research, or just because one day they woke up and decided to have an opinion.

I have many opinions on a wide range of topics, some of which I honestly do not know much about. But I still have those opinions. Why? The answer once again lies in the flawed workings of the brain.

Your brain develops an answer for every question you can pose and it does so by referring to it's massive bank of data it has stored away in the dark little recesses of your mind. So when you want to form an opinion on something your brain quickly analyses everything in your memory that relates to it (experiences, news articles, opinions of people you value) and like magic you now have an opinion. Wonderful.

There is No Wrong Opinion

If we consider every opinion from the frame of reference (showing my nerdy side here) in which it was created then there is no possible way for an opinion to be wrong. For example, I might have the opinion that blue is the best colour ever, which I based on a random internet survey I conducted where 5 out of 6 people agreed that blue was awesome. Therefore, I believe we should paint the whole world blue.

Ok ok, this is a silly example but it shows my point. The opinion was formed because I believed that I had the proof that supported it. Therefore in my frame of reference (i.e. my own mind) the opinion is correct. Of course everyone else has their own opinion on which colour is the best, all of which are equally true.

When dealing with the opinions of other people you need to consider what their frame of reference is and what experiences or "evidence" they have as support.

Dealing With Others' Opinions

There is a saying people like to use which goes: "You are entitled to your opinion." This is strange on two levels. First, it's normally followed up with a big fat "BUT..." and then the person tries to force their opinion on to you. Secondly, we do not need someone to give us permission for our opinions. The very nature of opinions means that we are ALWAYS "entitled" to them.

The best way to deal with the opinions of others is to listen and ask questions. Find out what evidence, real or perceived, they have that led them to their opinion and you will gain wonderful insight into their thought process. Then question the basis for your own opinions. If you honestly believe you have some evidence that could help the other person then explain it to them. But do not expect them to always be receptive. Try once and move on, unless you find something soothing about hitting your head against a brick wall.

Of course the best thing you can do is simply respect the opinions of others and try to understand their point of view. You never know, it might lead you to change your own opinion.

Changing Your Opinions

It is OK to change your opinion. In fact the ability to change your opinions shows great strength of character. It means that you are aware of your own thoughts and opinions but are open to receiving information contrary to what you currently believe. When something of value is presented you can process it and analyse your own opinions to determine if they are still valid. If this sounds like you then you deserve a big pat on the back because this is not an easy task. Well done.

I encourage everyone to remain open, at all times, to receiving new information but also remember to question the "why" behind it. Not everything you hear is true and some people have ulterior motives for trying to change your opinion. Listen to all information presented, assess the validity of it, and make adjustments to your opinions as necessary. But only if you want to. After all, they are your opinions.

But of course all this is just my opinion. It is right for me and it may or may not sit right for you. That's the beauty of opinions.

Learning to Say Sorry Properly

For most people saying sorry has just become a trick we learn to perform whenever the appropriate social cues present themselves. Girlfriend crying? Say sorry. Got caught in a lie? Say sorry. Forgot your anniversary? You'd better say sorry unless you want to sleep on the couch forever. The problem is that for too many people the words of an apology are empty and nothing more than lip service. But learning when and how to say sorry is a major part of self improvement and ultimately becoming happy.

The Story of a Compulsive Apologiser

A few years back I was a "people pleaser". I had very low self confidence and I desperately wanted to be liked. By everyone. No matter if it was some random I had just met I was always seeking approval from others. It was terrible. I was so focused on getting other people to like me that I generally did whatever I could to make other people happy, often at my own expense. The biggest example was my habit of saying sorry for everything.

If we ran out of toilet paper I would apologise for not getting some more. Even if my housemates had just been at the shops. If got into one of those awkward moments when a stranger and I tried to pass each other but kept moving in the same direction I would apologise. It was crazy. This went on for years until I woke up to myself and began my self development journey.

First stop on my journey was to develop some self confidence and I did this with good success. Deep down I did love and value myself for who I was but I just had to remind myself. But in this process I developed the attitude of never saying sorry because I thought it showed weakness. No apologies. Ever. Even if I was a complete jackass.

This attitude was just as silly as the original one. I had gone from one extreme to the other and it wasn't pretty. I offended people, I hurt people, and I caused some major hiccups in my personal relationships.

Early on in our dating days I occasionally said or did something to hurt Sophie emotionally. Nothing major, but at times I could be a little rude and Sophie would take offensive. But I would not say sorry because I was too much of a man to do that. It would sacrifice all the power in the relationship to her and I would be forever apologising. Luckily for me, I learned that this attitude was wrong and I managed to turn it around before I ruined the relationship.

In the process I have discovered how powerful saying sorry is for encouraging personal growth. When you say sorry and actually mean it then you have shown the ability to observe and assess your own actions, recognise how they impact the world around you, and take ownership of your mistakes. This is how you learn about yourself and develop as a human being. It is the basis for all personal growth.

Act with Good Intentions

I now focus on acting with good intentions and saying sorry only when its truly needed.  As long as I am always aiming to help others, but not to the detriment of myself, then my actions will be respected. As long as I maintain positivity and never receive a benefit at the expense of others, I will not need to apologise.

But even following this new motto I still have times where I need to apologise. I am not perfect and I will make mistakes but as long as I keep saying sorry when and how I should then I will always be improving myself and nurturing healthy positive relationships.

When to Say Sorry

The best time to apologise is anytime. It does not have to be right after the moment. It can be days, weeks, months, or even years down the track but I can promise you that any sincere apology is worth it, not matter how long it has been.

The key is that it must be sincere. When you actually feel real sorrow for the pain you have caused in another then you are ready to think about how to actually say sorry.

How to Say Sorry

Sorry is not a magic word. You cannot just say it and expect the world to right itself again. The magic of an apology comes from the feeling and sincerity behind it.

The apology must come from the heart and must not be for any personal reason or gain. It must not be just because you are feeling guilty, or because you want everyone to like you. You should only say sorry when you truly regret your actions that caused a negative outcome in someone's life.

The tricky area is to define what a negative outcome is. Often people will react negatively to actions in their life which are actually positive. They either cannot see the positivity, do not want to see it, or have trained themselves to be negative-focused.

For example, providing constructive criticism to a friend is positive because it highlights how their actions affect you and encourages them to grow. Initially the friend may reject the criticism and display negative emotions but this does not mean you should apologise for it. If you were acting with good intentions, not purposefully trying to hurt your friend, then in the long run it will be a positive action.

What to Say Sorry For

Following on my that example and my life motto of acting with good intentions, an important skill to learn is what to say sorry for. If you keep these two scenarios in your mind and apologise appropriately when they arise then you will begin to experience a happier and more positive life:

• When you act with bad intentions - this includes taking advantage of a situation at the expense of others, ignoring the effects your decisions have on others, or purposefully hurting others for any reason. This is simply not on in any situation and and apology is required.
• When your actions are neither good nor bad intentioned but cause hurt in someone - these are likely to be accidents and you should be willing to apologise if they cause pain for other people. But watch out for people who will try to make them bigger than they really are. It was an accident so apologise once and move on.

Getting Your Apologies Valued

One thing I noticed is that after refusing to apologise for so long, when I started saying sorry again people respected it more. It became obvious to myself and others that I am truly sorry whenever I apologise which gives it much more weight.

I encourage you to look at your own usage of "sorry" and question whether it has lost its meaning for you too. Hopefully you experience a similarly positive journey like I did.

Be Proud to be a Work in Progress

I will never be the perfect husband, friend, son, brother, or father, but as long as I always act with pure intentions and strive to improve myself at all times then I will be happy. I am proud to consider myself a "work in progress" because it allows me to be free to be myself, try new things, and adapt as my life changes. You should try it sometime.

I will never be perfect for I am always a work in progress and that makes me truly happy.

Work in Progress

Being a work in progress is a wonderful thing. It means you are never “finished” which means that you always have the chance to improve yourself and become something and someone better than who you are already. It allows you the ability to be comfortable with making mistakes and accept yourself for you who you are.

If you want to argue that you are not a work in progress then the only assumption that can be made is that you think you are perfect. And if you are perfect then you would never be wrong and you would certainly never make a mistake. Can you handle that kind of pressure for the rest of your life?

That is the pressure you put on yourself when your goal is perfection instead of constant improvement. You do not have to put up with this pressure though as long as you are willing to accept that no one can actually be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. But when you start to recognize that you are actually just a work in progress then you can acknowledge your mistakes without fear because you can happily admit to not being perfect. Say it loud: "I am not perfect and I make mistakes. I am a work in progress!" It is actually quite liberating.

Being a work in progress is not just about being able to acknowledge your mistakes though. You need to be actively seeking learning opportunities, identifying how you can improve, and striving to adapt and grow yourself. The whole process begins with self-observation.

Self-Observation

Self-observation is the ability to actively monitor your thoughts and actions almost as if you are watching yourself from the 3rd person perspective. It is a key skill for living in the moment, and it can take some getting used to.

When you begin self-observation the point is simply to observe. Watch yourself and how you act in every situation. What are you thinking? What movements do you make? What thing do you say? Once you start paying close attention to yourself, like this you will notice that you start questioning why you do certain things.

Questioning why will have a profound effect on you. It will open your eyes to the underlying reasons that drive your every action and it will allow you to begin to identify habits, actions, and traits that you want to change. Welcome to being a work in progress. It may be daunting at first but once you start down the path of purposeful self-improvement your life will improve dramatically.

Don't Settle for Perfection

Some people are afraid to be a work in progress. The main reason for this is ill-founded negativity towards the concept and a general push from modern media to want perfection. Unfortunately there is no such thing as perfection and actually trying to achieve it, or believing that you have achieved it, is the real problem. If you do not want to be a work in progress then you are stagnating and just wasting your time.

Let’s say for arguments sake that right now you think you are perfect (you’re not) and thus you never need to improve (you do). You would reject the notion of being a work in progress and be content with who you are right now. But that locks you in to being the same person for the rest of your life. Will you still consider the current you to be perfect in 10 years time? No, because then it will be the "old you" and it wont suit your life experience. You would be 10 years out of date.

Sure, you might think that the person you are right now is pretty good and I hope that it is really true. But what happens in the future when you have lived more, seen more, and had newer experiences? Your life will have changed and you will need to have changed with it or be left lagging behind, holding on to a past image which you thought was good enough.

Let go of the silly concept we call perfection and allow yourself to be a work in progress. Be proud to make mistakes, just as long as you learn from them.

Image: Salvatore Vuono